You made me cry and you don't even care
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
