I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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