mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
