And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
