I got chris browned last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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