You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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