I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
