Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
