Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
