I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
