i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
