oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I cut my penus on the lid.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
