if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
