I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
