Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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