I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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