Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
