he wants to bone in the snuggie
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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