All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
