My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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