I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
