You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
