i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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