Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
