Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
