I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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