She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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