12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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