I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
