Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
