No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
