i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
