My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
