apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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