if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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