My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
