Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
