my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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