either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
