i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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