Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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