I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
