I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
