i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Drunk is not a location!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
