so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
