I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
