Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
