Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
