You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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