You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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