so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We are two peas in an std pod
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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